I understand movies. I know how to watch them with a critical thinking cap on. Unfortunately this means i don't know how to take it off, but that's another story.
Someday, I'm going to make a movie. I'm not saying this in a narcissistic way, like a kid say "I'm going to be a famous singer when i grow up" to which you reply "Can you sing?" and the child invariably says "No/singing is for losers"
Cos everyone knows 20 million in the bank makes you a loser.
Hopefully, my movie will be better than a lot of what I've seen. I will outline some rules by which, if you make a movie and stick to these, it won't suck. Because if you go to see a film, the least you can ask for is that it doesn't suck. It costs me 12 dollars and 560 cents to see a movie at the cinema. $12.50! Seriously, people blame a lot of things for the decline of legal movie viewing, but no one seems to blame the fact that a lot of movies these days are utterly terrible.
RULE ONE: HAVE A PLOT.
Rule one, make sure your movie has a plot, and please tell people what it is. So many movies decide that they require eight hundred and seventy seven main narrative threads these days, and it's just not happening for me.
No. No. No.
Lord of the Rings. It's a trilogy. It has a lot of actors in it. It cost a fortune. Each film takes approximately three weeks to watch.
It has one plot. One.
Watch a midget go chuck a magic ring in a volcano.
It doesn't get anymore complicated than that. Three films about one short guy's journey to chuck a ring in a big burning mountain. Keeping it simple means that absolute idiots can watch it, and get what's going on at the heart of the film. It's not difficult.
What's going on while he's trying to do that?
AH HA! That's where you get three films worth of material from. NOT by sticking in parallel narratives. Why is he doing it? THAT is what makes smart people enjoy your movie. Don't do a Pirates of the Caribbean. I enjoyed the second movie, but i left the cinema with a few friends who aren't as big on watching films and then had to spend the next two days explaining what happened in the film they had just sat through. Not cool, Disney.
Conversely, if the whole point of your movie is that "Sum body gonna get punched inna face"... go burn the print of your film in a fire. Take it from me it sucks.
Get one plot. Make it a good one. Stick with it.
RULE TWO: IT ISN'T A FIGHT SCENE IF YOU CAN'T TELL WHO'S FIGHTING.
I hate this one, almost above all other things. A well shot action sequence is like a good movie, it has a beginning, a middle and an end. At first, people square off. You see a division of forces, of opposing sides. You understand someone is about to get punched inna face. Then comes the middle part. Someone gets punched inna face. For added bonus points, make it look like the hero might lose, but do it convincingly. Have someone shoot him or her or it in the leg or something. Then there is the end. The hero wins. But not by much. For the best example of this, watch the final fight in Gladiator. He really looks like he's going to lose, and convincingly. He wins, and we cheer, cos it's made clear that he ought to lose... and he very nearly does.
More than that, watch how it's filmed. I understand fighting is a kinetic and visual thing, but for God's sake, follow this carefully.
IF I HAVE TO BE ON SPEED TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING, SLOW THE HECK DOWN.
I don't have a serious amphetamine problem, so the Chronicles of Riddick and Transformers were wasted on me. I've lost track of the number of fight scenes I've watched that are somewhat like unsatisfying sex.
"OH! Oh! What's happening, where did that go, who are you... oh, it's over."
The best fight scene ever filmed is in the Korean film Oldboy. It's a single take. There are no cuts in the five minute scene, and the camera angle never changes or zooms in for anything. But... it manages to be more powerful and exciting than setting fire to your own crotch. Why? We actually care about what's happening. We know why the people are fighting. We're cheering for the hero, and it's sop raw and different, you can't help but watch. Check it out on youtube, and watch that movie, it follows the next rule.
RULE THREE: SHOW ME SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
I like to be entertained when i go to the movies, but i also like to feel like I've been shown something cool. Nine times out of ten I'll forgive a movie certain crap qualities if it at least tries to do things in a fresh or new way. Then again, show me a movie that is well made and written, but is basically just a reheat of a dozen other things, and I'll show you a DVD I'd use as a decorative coaster.
Go watch a Pixar movie. They try new things. Quite a lot of their films are so packed with new ideas and interesting stuff that it's usually enough for me to switch off the nagging voice that points out the occasionally poor dialogue and obviously-targeted-at-kids stuff.
The go watch something made by Hayao Miyazaki, and understand that western animation is in its infancy. As John Lasseter, head of Pixar, said: "Our films have like two or three new things in them, things you've never seen or experienced before. His have between twenty and fifty."
Nuff said.
RULE FOUR: DON'T TREAT ME LIKE AN IDIOT OR A BRAIN SURGEON
i do not inhale my popcorn. I don't shout "HE BEHIND THE DAWWW!" at horror movies. I do notice references, usually because they're to other films. I do think about what I'm watching while i watch it.
I do care.
I like to be made to feel like I'm clever, i like to work stuff out, to make sense of some things on my own time. That said, i don't like to be patronised, or have a film expect me to do all the thinking for it. Yes, i can tell you exactly what the point of Donnie Darko is, yes i can tell you what all the symbolism means, and exactly what happens and why. Do i enjoy watching it? I did the first time. Now... not so much. Follow the example of Lord of the Rings, I'm not saying it's the greatest film or series of films ever made, but it does handle it's plot well. It has a central plot even a four year old will understand. Then, on top of that, it throws metaphysical issues, morally gray choices, and intelligent moments for clever people. Then it throws fight scenes all over the place because everyone secretly likes those. It's like being woken up with breakfast in bed. You'd never ask for it, but it's much appreciated none the less.
Make the plot simple, and THEN throw the clever stuff at me. That way, no matter what i see and here, i can still follow what's going on.
RULE FIVE. KNOW WHEN TO STOP
A lot of films these days suffer from the basic fact that everything sort of hangs together till the end. The hero is in a predicament, the bad guy might win, the world might be destroyed... etc etc. Then, they have to somehow end it. The film is two hours long at this point, and shows no sign of winding up.
OHS NOES, WHAT DO WE DO!!!!1111!
This is usually a symptom of having too many plots going on, it becomes so hard to tie them all up, you end up having to make a second film. Simple answer? Cut out half of your film. It's not necessary.
The best way to write or make anything is to think of an end, think of a beginning that's quite different from the end, and joint the dots between the two. And because i know you think i love Lord of the Rings, here's me bowing to you.
The end is terrible.
The film, by all rights, should be pretty much over when the little metal band stumpy and co have been carrying across half of the middle ages goes 'plop' into the lava. That's it. THE END. big letters. Okay, show me they've actually won, so show the big eye dying, show me the enemy vanquished.
DON'T SHOW ME HALF AN HOUR OF HOBBITS AND ELVES AND DWARFS AND SUCH BEING FRIENDS
I honestly don't need it. I don't care that Bilbo Baggins goes to the gray havens. It doesn't matter. he's only in the first one for about ten minutes, he's really not that important. I don't care that Sam gets married, he's obviously gay anyway. Don't drag things on longer than they need to. Please. The film's three hours long already. I've had to leave four times for a pee already.
RULE SIX: SPECIAL EFFECTS AREN'T SPECIAL IF THEY'RE IN EVERY SINGLE SHOT
No, it doesn't give it a sense of continuity or realism. It just looks dumb. I'm looking at you, Star Wars. The first three... Great. Special effects are special, cos it's four nerds with little plastic models and a black sheet in a basement making space battles in front of a tumble dryer.
The new three... Awful. Ninja Yoda? Give me a break. He couldn't do that crap in the old three, or he'd have done away with Luke "puppy eyes" Skywalker and done the job himself. What's that? He's the most powerful Jedi ever? THEN WHY IS HIS HOUSE IN A BOG?
"oh, cos he's trying not to draw attention to himself"
Rubbish. He's a rip off of mister Miyagi. Shut up.
Go watch a good movie. Go watch Oldboy, Lord of the Rings, The Fall, Porco Rosso or Amelie. Then we'll talk.
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