Movies Are Dumb

I did film at university. I watched an awful, awful lot of movies. Several of which were awful.

I understand movies. I know how to watch them with a critical thinking cap on. Unfortunately this means i don't know how to take it off, but that's another story.

Someday, I'm going to make a movie. I'm not saying this in a narcissistic way, like a kid say "I'm going to be a famous singer when i grow up" to which you reply "Can you sing?" and the child invariably says "No/singing is for losers"

Cos everyone knows 20 million in the bank makes you a loser.

Hopefully, my movie will be better than a lot of what I've seen. I will outline some rules by which, if you make a movie and stick to these, it won't suck. Because if you go to see a film, the least you can ask for is that it doesn't suck. It costs me 12 dollars and 560 cents to see a movie at the cinema. $12.50! Seriously, people blame a lot of things for the decline of legal movie viewing, but no one seems to blame the fact that a lot of movies these days are utterly terrible.

RULE ONE: HAVE A PLOT.

Rule one, make sure your movie has a plot, and please tell people what it is. So many movies decide that they require eight hundred and seventy seven main narrative threads these days, and it's just not happening for me.

No. No. No.

Lord of the Rings. It's a trilogy. It has a lot of actors in it. It cost a fortune. Each film takes approximately three weeks to watch.

It has one plot. One.

Watch a midget go chuck a magic ring in a volcano.

It doesn't get anymore complicated than that. Three films about one short guy's journey to chuck a ring in a big burning mountain. Keeping it simple means that absolute idiots can watch it, and get what's going on at the heart of the film. It's not difficult.

What's going on while he's trying to do that?

AH HA! That's where you get three films worth of material from. NOT by sticking in parallel narratives. Why is he doing it? THAT is what makes smart people enjoy your movie. Don't do a Pirates of the Caribbean. I enjoyed the second movie, but i left the cinema with a few friends who aren't as big on watching films and then had to spend the next two days explaining what happened in the film they had just sat through. Not cool, Disney.

Conversely, if the whole point of your movie is that "Sum body gonna get punched inna face"... go burn the print of your film in a fire. Take it from me it sucks.

Get one plot. Make it a good one. Stick with it.

RULE TWO: IT ISN'T A FIGHT SCENE IF YOU CAN'T TELL WHO'S FIGHTING.

I hate this one, almost above all other things. A well shot action sequence is like a good movie, it has a beginning, a middle and an end. At first, people square off. You see a division of forces, of opposing sides. You understand someone is about to get punched inna face. Then comes the middle part. Someone gets punched inna face. For added bonus points, make it look like the hero might lose, but do it convincingly. Have someone shoot him or her or it in the leg or something. Then there is the end. The hero wins. But not by much. For the best example of this, watch the final fight in Gladiator. He really looks like he's going to lose, and convincingly. He wins, and we cheer, cos it's made clear that he ought to lose... and he very nearly does.

More than that, watch how it's filmed. I understand fighting is a kinetic and visual thing, but for God's sake, follow this carefully.

IF I HAVE TO BE ON SPEED TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING, SLOW THE HECK DOWN.

I don't have a serious amphetamine problem, so the Chronicles of Riddick and Transformers were wasted on me. I've lost track of the number of fight scenes I've watched that are somewhat like unsatisfying sex.

"OH! Oh! What's happening, where did that go, who are you... oh, it's over."

The best fight scene ever filmed is in the Korean film Oldboy. It's a single take. There are no cuts in the five minute scene, and the camera angle never changes or zooms in for anything. But... it manages to be more powerful and exciting than setting fire to your own crotch. Why? We actually care about what's happening. We know why the people are fighting. We're cheering for the hero, and it's sop raw and different, you can't help but watch. Check it out on youtube, and watch that movie, it follows the next rule.

RULE THREE: SHOW ME SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

I like to be entertained when i go to the movies, but i also like to feel like I've been shown something cool. Nine times out of ten I'll forgive a movie certain crap qualities if it at least tries to do things in a fresh or new way. Then again, show me a movie that is well made and written, but is basically just a reheat of a dozen other things, and I'll show you a DVD I'd use as a decorative coaster.

Go watch a Pixar movie. They try new things. Quite a lot of their films are so packed with new ideas and interesting stuff that it's usually enough for me to switch off the nagging voice that points out the occasionally poor dialogue and obviously-targeted-at-kids stuff.

The go watch something made by Hayao Miyazaki, and understand that western animation is in its infancy. As John Lasseter, head of Pixar, said: "Our films have like two or three new things in them, things you've never seen or experienced before. His have between twenty and fifty."

Nuff said.

RULE FOUR: DON'T TREAT ME LIKE AN IDIOT OR A BRAIN SURGEON

i do not inhale my popcorn. I don't shout "HE BEHIND THE DAWWW!" at horror movies. I do notice references, usually because they're to other films. I do think about what I'm watching while i watch it.

I do care.

I like to be made to feel like I'm clever, i like to work stuff out, to make sense of some things on my own time. That said, i don't like to be patronised, or have a film expect me to do all the thinking for it. Yes, i can tell you exactly what the point of Donnie Darko is, yes i can tell you what all the symbolism means, and exactly what happens and why. Do i enjoy watching it? I did the first time. Now... not so much. Follow the example of Lord of the Rings, I'm not saying it's the greatest film or series of films ever made, but it does handle it's plot well. It has a central plot even a four year old will understand. Then, on top of that, it throws metaphysical issues, morally gray choices, and intelligent moments for clever people. Then it throws fight scenes all over the place because everyone secretly likes those. It's like being woken up with breakfast in bed. You'd never ask for it, but it's much appreciated none the less.

Make the plot simple, and THEN throw the clever stuff at me. That way, no matter what i see and here, i can still follow what's going on.

RULE FIVE. KNOW WHEN TO STOP

A lot of films these days suffer from the basic fact that everything sort of hangs together till the end. The hero is in a predicament, the bad guy might win, the world might be destroyed... etc etc. Then, they have to somehow end it. The film is two hours long at this point, and shows no sign of winding up.

OHS NOES, WHAT DO WE DO!!!!1111!

This is usually a symptom of having too many plots going on, it becomes so hard to tie them all up, you end up having to make a second film. Simple answer? Cut out half of your film. It's not necessary.

The best way to write or make anything is to think of an end, think of a beginning that's quite different from the end, and joint the dots between the two. And because i know you think i love Lord of the Rings, here's me bowing to you.

The end is terrible.

The film, by all rights, should be pretty much over when the little metal band stumpy and co have been carrying across half of the middle ages goes 'plop' into the lava. That's it. THE END. big letters. Okay, show me they've actually won, so show the big eye dying, show me the enemy vanquished.

DON'T SHOW ME HALF AN HOUR OF HOBBITS AND ELVES AND DWARFS AND SUCH BEING FRIENDS

I honestly don't need it. I don't care that Bilbo Baggins goes to the gray havens. It doesn't matter. he's only in the first one for about ten minutes, he's really not that important. I don't care that Sam gets married, he's obviously gay anyway. Don't drag things on longer than they need to. Please. The film's three hours long already. I've had to leave four times for a pee already.

RULE SIX: SPECIAL EFFECTS AREN'T SPECIAL IF THEY'RE IN EVERY SINGLE SHOT

No, it doesn't give it a sense of continuity or realism. It just looks dumb. I'm looking at you, Star Wars. The first three... Great. Special effects are special, cos it's four nerds with little plastic models and a black sheet in a basement making space battles in front of a tumble dryer.

The new three... Awful. Ninja Yoda? Give me a break. He couldn't do that crap in the old three, or he'd have done away with Luke "puppy eyes" Skywalker and done the job himself. What's that? He's the most powerful Jedi ever? THEN WHY IS HIS HOUSE IN A BOG?

"oh, cos he's trying not to draw attention to himself"

Rubbish. He's a rip off of mister Miyagi. Shut up.

Go watch a good movie. Go watch Oldboy, Lord of the Rings, The Fall, Porco Rosso or Amelie. Then we'll talk.

Inspiration... It's where you find it.

*SPOILER* This blog is not going to be funny.

Inspiration is one of the most bizarre ideas thinkable. That your whole being can be fired into action by a single line, a phrase, and image, a moment, a feeling, an action, it's ludicrous.

But it happens.

Inspiration is a vitally important thing. Without it, we become trapped in listless inaction. Why? Because like it or not human beings still subscribe to a herd mentality. We need someone or something to push us.

For me, that something is a book. People spend hundreds of millions of dollars a year on inspirational books. I quite like these, they help promote some interesting ideas. Books like "The Art of the Start" and such are particularly good, as is just about anything by John Maxwell.

The book i find most inspiring is not one of these.

It's not a self help book, or a book about personal triumph, great successes, a biography of a long dead great leader or even a big book of quotes you can flick through from time to time.

It's "On the Road", by Jack Kerouac.

Jack Kerouac, for those who aren't familiar with the name, is one of the founding figures of a literary sensibility and cultural movement known as "Beat". Beat, as it came to be, was a reaction to the ideas and emotion arising from the end of the second world war. People had touched death, become close to it, felt every ache and motion of it, and so lived lives at a fantastic speed, determined to either outpace it or die trying. It was a time of great experimentation, contrary to what many think the great drugs revolution didn't begin in the sixties, it started much earlier than that with the Beat generation. Jazz music became the dominant cultural force, and amidst the great whirling uncertainty of the age, the threats of communism and nuclear annihilation, disease, racial tension, homosexuality and the explosion in drug use...

One man jumped on a train with no ticket and traveled across America.

That one man was Jack Kerouac. It was only two years after the end of the second world war, and he was a young man in the face of the enormous truth of the world. Rather than plug in and join the world, he chose to make his own path, to find himself in the whirl and bustle of the unseen places in his life. He took his friends, fell in and out of love, got jobs, got fired, did drugs, had sex, listened to jazz and wrote it all down. Aside from the names, everything in the book is, to the best of everyone's knowledge, true and unabridged.

It's hard to say exactly why this book inspired me to the degree it did. My mum and dad bought me a copy for Christmas one year in my mid teens, and i devoured it. Four times. One after the other. I've never read a book through more than once in a row, but I've read "On the Road" more times now than i care to mention. I'd like to say for the record that i think my parents were absolutely right in giving me a book about rebelling right in the most rebellious time of my life. Rather than fuel the uncertain and often violently angry feelings that every young man experiences at that time of life, it instead calmed them, reassuring me that there were other people out there who had felt like i did, long before i was even born. It showed me just what was possible when rather than bottle everything up and lash out at people, i learned to control myself and channel my energies correctly. More than anything, and as cliched as it has become, I'm proud to say that "On the Road" made me want to travel. Not on a package holiday, not on a jumbo jet to some sandy beach full of sun burnt fleshy idiots. It made me want to get under the skin of places, feel out the people, get to know things, see things on my own time and context. Ever been to Vegas? I bet you have. Ever driven for two days across a desert under the heat of the unbelievable sun surrounded by scary primeval tusks of Joshua trees, only to emerge bathed in the glare of a neon metropolis rising inexorably from the sands to greet you? Have you been across desert, coast, forest, ocean, island and mountain range? In two weeks? How about driving from the grand canyon to San Diego? Five hundred and twenty six miles. In a single day. 

If you have, you don't soon forget it.

I know i won't. "On the Road" inspired me to see more of the world than i could see from my bedroom window, find out what was over the next horizon, reach out and welcome new people, try new things and be free in myself. It fired me to travel, to leave England, and throw myself into the paths of people from across the world. I went to Canada, and i've never looked back.

More than anything else, the one thing i will cherish that "On the Road" taught me was that whatever i am and wherever i end up, the pursuit of freedom is above all things. Regardless of whether you find that freedom like i did traveling across western America, or canoeing lazily down some mangrove hung river, biking and hiking through the Rockies, flying through the stratosphere or just having a lie in on a Saturday morning, find your inspiration, find your freedom, and cherish it always.

The Future

In this update, Nick attempts to predict based on realistic evidence and basic entry level HooDoo what the future holds. Hilarity ensues.

My Predictions for the future:

Prediction Number 1: The new blu-ray.

Congratulations Sony, you won the format war. HD-DVD is dead, long live the new highness. Or, to put it more accurately, the new Mini-Disc. Remember them? Touted as this awesome new technology that could bury the old system which had been universally adopted, in that case CDs, it was pretty hot for about six months. Then MP3s came along and pooed in their sandbox. Good job Sony, another lame duck. Within a year or so, High definition on demand downloads will effectively neuter the market to new disc based technology. Why bother? Won't people still love to have the boxes sitting on their shelves for everyone to admire? Yeah, it's so convenient to have hundreds of DVDs kicking around. Yeah i love having to get off my ass to change the disc, and the inevitable "Oh, i saw that last week, put something else on!" that accompanies sitting down after swapping the discs. Yeah, i love having to wade through my DVD collection, it brings me nothing but joy to alphabetise them by hand so i can find what i want to watch.

Factor this into the equation. The PVR device has already revolutionised the way people watch television. You aren't chained to your TV schedule anymore, you can just set the little whizzy box to record it all for you. Without you touching it. And it alphabetises it for you. Enough said. Already, many cable suppliers are offering on demand movies, and pretty soon the world of regular programming and even things like video games is going to catch up. Ever heard of Direct to Drive or Steam? It's a system that allows you to purchase PC games online, and download the entire game lock stock to the hard drive of your computer. Yeah, imagine being able to do that with the first three series of 24. Or Lost. Or Porn Valley. How many people waded through the crowds at the mall at the weekends to try and obtain that ever elusive copy of Wii Fit?

Discs are dead, baby.

Prediction Number 2: The postal service will die.

I don't know about you, but i hate the post office. I can't think of a single redeeming feature to the postal service, even the guy behind the counter looks like he makes the stamp glue by boiling up puppies. They are slow, inefficient, expensive, and generally terrible. In 2012, Amazon.com will make the unprecedented move of buying all postal services worldwide. To make any kind of purchase, you will have to go to Amazon's dedicated website for your area, and purchase your groceries, bicycles and bizarre fetish magazines online, where they will ship it to your house. It will still be horribly inefficient, expensive and generally terrible, but like 1984 they will erase any and all who dissent, and soon no-one will be left who remembers the old ways.

Where did i get this information from? Your Mother.

Prediction Number 3: The Fall Of The House Of Apple.

Apple are a bit love it/hate it. Their computers are too highly priced to be a genuine solution for people who hate windows, and in most cases are more fashion statement than actual computer. Oh, and in case you haven't noticed they have complete dominance over the world of Digital music.

Apple manages to sidestep most legislation aimed at preventing monopolies by the fact that their core business (computers) accounts for only a tiny percentage of the market compared to Microsoft's unstoppable juggernaut. No-one seems to care that the figures are reversed when you look at the Digital Media market. Own a Zune? Didn't think so. I have an Ipod Touch, and i treat it better and love it more than i would my first born child. Apple owns pretty much the entire MP3 market, and pretty soon people will cotton on. Monopoly or not (Steve Jobs totally looks like the little metal dog) their global dominance will recede someday, probably at the same rate as my hair line.

Prediction Number 4: Social Media will go too far.

I twitter regularly. I blog, I Facebook, I used to Myspace until I Facebooked and I generally eat up any and all social media trend and go back for seconds. Just flicking over my twitter feeds it becomes plain to see that some people twitter just too much. No, i don't need to know what you're doing every minute of every day. I don't really care what you thought about the weather or what Dave said at the bus stop. But people still feel the need to keep people informed of what they're doing 24/7 regardless.

And that is when social media will go too far.

Myspace and Facebook will be overshadowed by a new omnipotent newcomer, who for the sake of argument and making at least one joke every 500 words i will call MyFace. Poke MyFace. See, easy humour. Anyway, having a MyFace account will require you to link up not only your computer, but your bank details, in car navigational aid (unless that's still your wife), phone, pacemaker and family pet so that at all times people can see exactly what your doing, with an accuracy of up to three feet. People will know just what Dave said at the bus stop, because MyFace will tell them. They will already know that the bus driver is running five minutes late because he just ordered his dinner from Amazon.com, they will know that Dave has unconscious desires for his neighbours dog, and they will know exactly what you plan to do later.

Some people will love it. Some people will get divorces because of it. And some people will set things on fire and have a riot. Probably just me.

Prediction Number 5: Nick will be a millionaire.

Hey, whoever said this had to be realistic?

The Future?
I give it 4 Princes out of 10

and that's only because i want a jetpack and a robot wife.

How To Snowboard (from someone who can't do it too)

If you squint really hard in Calgary, you can just about not see mountains. It's that difficult to miss the damn things, they're bloody everywhere. As such, mountains magically attract snow,and thus, idiots who enjoy it. 

What could be a more leisurely pursuit of a Sunday afternoon than rushing headlong down a mountain on what is essentialy a Popsicle stick or two. 

"Oh, but it's marvelous and fun and energetic and it makes you feel close to nature" they cry.

"I have a taser" i cry. Then they cry.

Snowboarding is the younger and slightly more stupid cousin of skiing, having been invented when long haired surfer people learned about how water freezes in first grade and wondered if their summer passion could extend to colder times. Snowboarding is actually incredibly simple. Skiing has a variety of different disciplines, styles, variations on equipment and other funny names and technical jargon designed to scare off the peasants who greedily feed on the scraps left from the Aspen banquets. Snowboarding has one fundamental rule, and no alterations to that rule.

Don't fall off.

"Oh, but skiing surely has the same rule!" They cry

"I still have a taser, and I'm talking." i state patiently.

Skiing is a complicated beast. Not only do you have to wear the most uncomfortable footwear known to man (you can't tell me that's the finished design, a boot that practically snaps your ankles when you wear it. Seems a bit counter intuitive to me, like designing a car airbag that stabs you or a reclining chair that punches your groin repeatedly) but you have sticks. Poles, sticks, kebab rods, whatever, they're there sometimes for show, sometimes for purpose. Another prerequisite is to look like a smug git while you do it, if only to mask the pain shooting from your ankles with gay abandon.

Snowboarding is blissfully uncomplicated. But there in lies the problem. Skiing, it's older, more affable brother, is very complicated, so some fools decided that snowboarding had to catch up somewhat. Of course, it would be ridiculous to suggest that Snowboarding has any real rules.

Here are the rules of Snowboarding.

1: You must not fall off.

2: You must wear winter clothing designed by a colourblind chimp. Nothing is allowed to match, and none of it can be deemed to be of good taste. Instead of your usual choice in attire, you must now look like a neon takeaway sign threw up on you.

3: You must talk as if you have suffered a serious head injury and cannot remember the basics of English. Instead of "I fell over" you must now say "I did a sick bail"

4: Sick now means a variety of things, none of which actually have anything to do with illness.

5: you must scream as if you have a colony of termites burrowing through your flesh at every small achievement or trick you accomplish. The less significant, the louder you scream to make up for it. Always describe it as Sick

6: Look down your nose at skiers. Sneer if necessary

7: Get offended when skiers look down their nose at you.

8: High Five. All the time. High five!

9: Don't complain that the lodge charges you as much for a small can of beer as a liquor store does for a six pack. Supply and demand buddy.

10: Don't fall off.

There you have it. I may not be a big fan of snowboarding, but armed with these rules, you may emerge better looking and slightly more talented at it than me. But only at snowboarding. I still rock at everything else.

Don't like it?

I have a taser.

Stop, Collaborate And Listen

Here's the deal:

Any cursory sweep of Calgary's music press will reveal a thriving alternative and independent scene humming with bands full of interesting ideas, lyrical genius and musical talent. Local radio stations like the idea of not having to play Nickleback for the six hundredth time and pay them a few cents a pop for the privilege, and so the two come together in a joyous and unholy musical union born of soul crushing corporate cynicism and the famous quote from Andy Warhol that in the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.

Check me out, i want in on some of that action

Here's where you come in.

Like the busy busy bee i am, i find time between glamorous photo shoots and hanging around outside the blood bank to write down stupid rhymes that come into my head. I then send these through the magic of the Internet and it's series of tubes to my friend over in England who converts my tuneless rambling into audible sound, and he sends them back.

I would very much like you to listen.

Here are links to several of my songs. I can't embed music into this blog because it's free and therefore lacking in features, so i had to make them into videos and YouTube them instead.

Have a listen

Tell me what you think.

There's a poll on the main page of this blog asking which you like best, so give them a listen, put a tick in the box and if you like it hopefully someone else will and it'll be on a radio station near you in the near future.

Providing you live in Calgary.

And you like at least one of these songs.

Joanna

The Heart May Beat But It's Not Your Friend

No-One But Yourself To Blame

Scream

What's out my window

As you might have guessed (and if you haven't, catch up will you?) I'm an somewhat dapper English pseudo gentleman now living in Canada. Therefore, looking up from working like a crazy man on new PR strategies and looking out the window holds a thousand hidden little treasures to me, things I'd never see in England, new sights and sounds, and experiences totally alien to what i used to know.

I'll give you an example. Where i live, in the dark, rank heart of suburbia (kidding, it's not that bad) you get joggers. Not just one or two occasional ones, upwards of twenty or thirty hardcore all weather Lycra health nuts will whizz past me on any given day during my travels. You don't really get joggers in England, people tend to take the sight of neon Lycra as target practice. Never walk your dog in England, it's always the dog walker who finds the body, who is usually the jogger.

Most of the joggers i see are ladies. That's not to say you don't get male joggers, but maybe they don't have unisex jogging routes yet. I don't know, i subscribe to Robert M. Hutchin's idea on exercise:

"Whenever i feel like exercising, i lie down and the feeling passes."

So there you go. Jam sponge all round. Coming back to reality, many lady joggers have enormous great contraptions that appear to be dragging them about. These are called, rather curiously, chariots. Chariots are basically a massive circus big top tent on wheels, which for some reason you require if you wish to take your kids out in Calgary. It's the done thing. If you want to go out with your kids, make it look like your being dragged around by a runaway Glastonbury tent. Everyone in Calgary has kids. If you're married and you're of the fairer sex, you have two kids. That, or you're working on it. Something in the water says "PROCREATE!" to all women, but once they've squeezed two out it slams the brakes on and says "CEASE! BUY A CHARIOT AND SOME DAYGLO LEGGINGS!" and so the cycle begins. First it's yoga pants and lulu lemon gear, then its two kids and a chariot.

Another thing you quickly get used to in Canada is snow. English people out there: Canada is not a frozen wasteland full of Eskimos and polar bears. Well, Winnipeg is, but the rest is pretty civilized. During the summer, the temperature reaches untold heights of boiling loveliness, and being up in the mountains, it's dry as can be so it's never that sticky hot that makes you feel like you poured jam in your pants. But in winter... Oh the winters. Temperatures fall drastically, and with them comes snow. Not just a sugary sprinkling, a full on foot at least. Snow over here is serious business, but the attitude towards it is... somewhat unorthodox. Only really major roads and arteries get ploughed, everything else is left. If you crash, it's your own fault, dumb ass. Canadians are refreshingly laissez faire about snow, its a fact over here. The trains run, people get to work, and nowhere is shut. It's crazy. In England, a light dusting shuts the entire country. If someone where to try and invade and overthrow the English government, all they'd need do is wait for either a light dusting of snow or a bank holiday.

Anywho, out my window right now are two joggers, one with a chariot, and a lot of snow. I made that last about six hundred words. Bully for me. What's out yours?

Catch y'all later, and if you're on Twitter follow me at http://twitter.com/VCspaceman

Increase the peace. Don't yell at dogs, they might be smarter than you.

3 Things

I, Nick Jones, being of unsound mind and body, do hereby give notice that i will attempt to do the following three things before the end of 2009.

1: See more of Canada

I came to this country with a dream. It is a simple dream. I am a simple man. My simple dream is to see what this country truly has to offer. To meet its peoples. To eat its foods. To drink its waters and laugh at its political humour about people i don't know. I hereby give notice that some time this year i will go see something on the east coast, i while i may not go over it in a barrel, i will post a picture of me peeing over the Niagara falls, or something as equally ridiculous.

2: I will get a hair cut, and more than one.

At the minute, my luscious head of hair resembles something akin to a Bear's backside. While this is the delight of many i meet, it's starting to annoy me. It's one thing finding hair in your food, but another when it turns out it's your own, and one end is still attached to your head. I will have short hair, and i will keep it so.

3: I will personally develop myself.

Right now, I'm an overly plump, ridiculously insecure, occasionally lazy and somewhat hirsute gentleman. By 2010, hopefully much of this will change. I suffer from an almost crippling level of sporadic self doubt in which i believe myself to be not only the kind of ugly that not even John Merrick could approach, but that those around me have all spontaneously come to the consensus view that i really am an utter idiot, and now no longer wish to have me around. Hopefully, this is not actually true, and i will attempt over the next year to get over my horrendous personal hangups. 

I am now in possession of a career, rather than a job, and tying in to the previous entry, i will do my utmost to grow and develop this. I have zero idea on how to do that, but by gosh I'm going to give it a bloody good go.

That's enough for now. Expect a funnier post later, I'm tired right now, get off my porch you damn kids